so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You smell like stripper and shame
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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