I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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