You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.