My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
