I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.