I can text with my tongue
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check