I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
