I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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