Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
