Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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