What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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