I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
