i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
