I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
