I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
