I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
