I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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