Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
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Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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