We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
