My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's blow job season.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
