Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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