I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
