just come out here and I will go home with you...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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