Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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