he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
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Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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