I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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