I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
