I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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