maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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