mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
