Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
