I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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