I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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