The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.