I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son