sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
