the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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