Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
