I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize