walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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