you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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