You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We left an ass print on the piano.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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