i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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