Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
