Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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