just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
