Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I just put wine in my tea
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
