when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
