Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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