I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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