She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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