Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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