I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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