my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
