rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
