dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
