Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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