There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Alive.
So much puke
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
