You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
