I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If I die, sorry about rent.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
