I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
