so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
