There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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