Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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